Ready for a baby?

Ready for a baby?

This article was just published in the Chicago Tribune.

It's worth reading.

Redefining Motherhood!

Motherhood is a role that is constantly being re-defined; it is not a fixed role. As economies change, as sexism and classism gets addressed, as women’s oppression is recognized and lifted, as women feel more empowered to decide what is best for them, motherhood changes. The role continues to change with each new generation.

What would have to change in your definition of motherhood in order for you to choose it? What would have to change in order for you to choose a childfree life? If you could think outside of the box (to which you are familiar) and you could redefine motherhood, how would you want motherhood defined today? Take some time and answer this question for yourself. You may want to begin a personal journal of self-discovery and write about this question. Or you may just prefer to notice the feelings that surface with the question itself.

Your new definition of motherhood may be very different from what you witnessed growing up. It may be different from what you see today. How do you think your mother would have defined motherhood from what you experienced when you were a child? If you were the definer of motherhood how would you define it or what would it look like to you?

Your Desire vs. Your Decision!

Desire vs. Decision

Do you want to be a parent or have a kid and don’t know the answer to that question?

You are not alone!

Women often cannot answer this question because they are trying to figure out their desire and their decision at the same time.

You cannot figure out both at the same time.

What is your desire? What is your decision?

These are two very different questions and you may be surprised to know how many people do not think of them as two different questions. The other surprise is that often the answers to each question are different. When women try to figure them out at the same time it is impossible and creates an endless indecision loop in one’s mind.

First you have to know your desire and understand where it comes from and what it is truly about for you. You get to feel your desire no matter what anyone else says. You are the only one who can know your true desire. No one can take that from you and know one can know it better than you.

Your conscious decision comes after that.

Some times we need to slow down (the decision) in order to catch up to knowing what we want.

How this may look is as follows; A woman may realize that her true desire in her heart and mind and body is that she wants to be a mom. After further exploration she may realize she wants to be a mom but she doesn’t think it’s the best decision for herself. She may realize it’s not what she wants to do now. It is what she wanted to do years ago. Realizing that truth can be huge. When we stop to really explore what is going on inside of us one discovery may be, I wanted to have been a mom years ago but I didn’t take the time to look at my desire then and now it’s not what I want in my life. So, then one is left with reconciling the desire with the decision. There is still a desire in there to be a mom. The decision now, is No.

That is how there can be two different answers.

A woman may realize it is not her true calling or that she doesn’t really want to be a mom but for x, y or z reasons she is going to be a mom and be the best mom she can be. In this case you have a NO desire and a YES decision.

Still in our society women may discover their desire is NO and don’t feel they have permission to make a NO decision. This can play out by a woman not making a decision and letting time decide for her. The down side to this is it takes up emotional and mental energy not to make that decision which can take away from a woman’s thriving life. Another scenario is a woman knows deep down it is not her calling in life and does not feel she is allowed to say No to having children and goes ahead and becomes a mom. Even if she is a good enough mom to a young person she suffers in silence because being a mom is not what she truly wanted. Of course there are women who go ahead and become moms whose desire was more toward a No and end up loving it. That is wonderful when that can happen. However, it is important for women to have permission to be true to themselves.

Knowing what we truly want comes first. The decision follows after. One needs to gain clarity about her desire before she can make a decision. This would be ideal.

If you find you are not able to do this on your own or with help that you seek out please give me a call to see if my 12-week program can help you.

Groups for 2012

The next Support Group for women will begin in January 2012.

The next Support Group for men will begin in February 2012.

If you cannot make the Support Group,

which takes place in Oakland, CA USA,

Please call me to discuss other options.

(510) 595-4629 or

E-mail me: AnnDavidman@MotherhoodIsItForMe.com

Indecision is more complex

than what appears on the surface.

Only you can know what's true

for you......I'll help you get there.

Is Motherhood For Me? Gain clarity in 12 weeks!

Check out this article:
'Motherhoood-Is it for me?' in The Examinor.com
which talks about my 12-week program designed

for women who are undecided about motherhood.

Is Motherhood for me? Dahlias & Dogwoods

Moving from feeling bad to feeling good.

You have more internal resource when feeling good!

What do Dahlias and Dogwoods have to do with deciding whether or not to have a baby or become a parent? When you’re in the midst of an indecision loop where you feel stuck because you can’t figure out if you should have kids or not, my guess is you feel bad or frustrated or something that doesn’t feel good. When feeling bad our brain does not function as well as when feeling good. If you are experiencing any negative feelings because you can’t decide what to do the first step is to change your focus of attention to something that feels good. For me, I can always count on Dahlia’s, especially red ones and Dogwood trees in bloom to put a smile on my face.

What is it for you?

What can you look at or think about that makes you feel good inside?

When you feel good you think more clearly. I experience pleasure when looking at Dahlia’s and Dogwoods. When you feel bad it is very hard to be creative or think of solutions to problems. When you feel good you have more access to thinking clear and therefore more solutions or more ideas come to you.

To crunch your forehead and try hard to figure out what you’re going to do or trying to figure out why you can’t decide is not helpful and will not bring you closer to a decision. You are not going to discover any truth from this place. You are only going to continue to feel bad. When you are stuck in an indecision loop, which leads to feeling bad about yourself, the frustration comes in and then the self blame and down that slippery slope you go. It’s not good.

I want to give you some tips on how to redirect your thoughts so that you can move out of pain and feel relief.

When you are feeling stuck and you are slipping into a state of hopelessness and despair let me help you move toward feeling relief and away from the pain of not knowing.

The first thing to do is to say to yourself:
“I don’t know what I want to do.
It’s ok that I don’t know and it’s not my fault that I don’t know.”
Hold that thought over and over until you feel the truth about it and begin to feel some relief.
Then move on to thinking about a time in your life that you remember knowing what you wanted. This could be last week when you ordered your favorite dish at a restaurant. It could be when you were 12 and you knew what you wanted to be when you grew up or you knew what you didn’t want to be. Think about a time when you knew what you wanted. Then focus on how good that felt and then write about it. Then think about another time that you knew what you wanted. Repeat this until you are back to remembering that you can find your own truth. This may seem like it has nothing to do with making a decision about having children, however, it helps ground you back to a time of knowing and feeling good. You are more likely to have clearer thinking from this place than from a place of judgment or frustration.

I hope that helps. If you find yourself in the place of indecision more often than you would like please call me and we can talk about your particular situation and see if my 12-week program, Motherhood-Is it for me? TM would be appropriate for you.

Take good care and when in doubt think about something that feels good.

Ann

http://www.ismotherhoodforme.com/

anndavidman@ismotherhoodforme.com

(510) 595-4629

Is Motherhood for me? Why don't I know?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I am writing this on Mother's Day.

This entry is especially for the women who struggle with indecision and who feel like they should “just” know what they want to do about motherhood. It can look like other’s “just” know and this can leave one feeling inadequate.

You are not alone!

Many women feel bad that they don’t know if they want to be a mom or not. There are more of you than you may think. I know because I’ve been helping women for almost 20 years move out of the indecision loop to their next step.

There are many reasons that contribute to not knowing. I will address a few. Of course it is different for each person. However, I have noticed patterns over the years.

One reason is there are few places to go to talk about what it means to be a mother without being judged or being told what you ‘should’ do. Women do not talk openly about what it means to be a parent or what it means to choose a childfree life. People have a lot of feelings about women who are undecided or who choose not to have children.

Therefore, there is little room for open exploration. Between the isolation and judgment that exists for women around this issue it’s no wonder that you have feelings about not knowing. It is not your fault that you don’t know. If I can give you a gift today it would be to say to you,

“It is not your fault that you don’t know and you are not alone! Please don’t blame yourself.”

Another reason the struggle may exist is there are still childhood messages playing in your head that have not been addressed. I hear women say, “I had a happy childhood and my parents loved me.” Even if that's true you may have received messages unintentionally that left you feeling bad about yourself or left you feeling confused and no one was available to help you with those feelings.

Every one of us has been hurt in one way or another. These hurts, even if they came in unintentionally, if not healed enough can get in the way of you knowing your true desires.

There may be a way that you got the message that someone close to you felt ambivalent about you. It might be that someone close to you had a hard time being a parent or grandparent and you had a front row seat to his or her struggle. You might have taken from that experience: …”I must be a problem for that person,” or “They must not want me around,” or “They would be better off if I wasn't around.”

The struggle may be related to having too much responsibility for your parent's happiness. This is especially true for adult children of alcoholics or children of dysfunctional family systems. The result is you learned to shut off what you wanted and focused on the needs of others and it left you disconnected from yourself.
I hear people say, “Oh, I know lot’s of women who had dysfunctional childhoods and they have lot’s of kids.” Yes, it’s true. There are women for whom making this decision was easy as they always had clarity around it. There are also women who did not give motherhood any thought or they had no “No” inside of them.

There are many other reasons and it’s personal to each person. I believe the knowing is still there. It is just covered up with some emotional unresolved hurt.

To sum up what I’m saying:

There are many reasons why you don’t know, none of which are your fault and you are not alone nor are you to blame for your struggle. Let yourself be in the wonder of not knowing and know that it’s ok that you don’t know.

What if you don’t have to figure this out alone?

What if you can know the answer and be at peace?

Only you can know what's true for you...I'll help you get there.

Join me in my unique “Motherhood – Is if for me?” Program TM.

With compassion and understanding, I will help you end the cycle of indecision.

I have helped many women with this issue. I’d like to help you.

Contact me: 510-595-4629

Website: http://www.IsMotherhoodForMe.com/

E-mail: AnnDavidman@MotherhoodIsitForMe.com

Ann Davidman, MS