Decide to Decide - For Men!

Dear Men,

Photo by Dave Walcott 2013

I’ve worked with so many of you over the years while you wondered if you should become a father or live a child-free life. 

I feel sad when you say, “It doesn’t matter to me.” Or “I can go either way.” Or “Whatever my partner wants will work for me.” I hear these comments more than any other comments from men. This blog post is especially for you. 

Of course there are many men who feel differently and I have worked with you too. Today is for the men who just assume someone else decide for them.

This is your life. You deserve to take ownership of your decision to be a parent. Ask yourself where this neutrality comes from, and you’ll discover that it’s a learned behavior from your own childhood. I suspect your father appeared neutral—somewhat unemotional, flat—when you were young. Notice I use the word appear. Usually parents love their children very much, but sometimes they can’t express that love because of the hurts they themselves suffered as children. If your needs weren’t met as a child because your parents’ needs weren’t met as children, this repetition perpetuates a constant state of indifference.

When it comes time for the child to enter into the decision to be a father, he has not been prepared for the resolve required in making this transformative determination. As children, we model the adults in our lives. We imitate our fathers because it’s easier to remain noncommittal in a society that teaches its young men to hide their emotions. And if you are expert in apathy, how can you expect to get close to your own children? If you can’t show your son that you love him, how will he feel in the relationship? Unimportant is a good guess. Just like you, he will feel he doesn’t matter. So a self-fulfilling prophecy ensues.

But you can break the cycle! I’ve worked with men for over twenty years and helped them enter into the decision-making process. Even when men know they’re going to choose Fatherhood but lack the energy, the emotion, behind this decision, they’re eager to know where their unconcern stems from. I’ve helped these men understand why they don’t feel as excited as the other fathers seem to be, and out of this newfound awareness bursts the potential for becoming an exceptional parent.

I know there are many reasons for ambivalence, but in my twenty years as a therapist, the issue of neutrality crops up repeatedly. The good news is it’s not too late to do the work that will help you feel excited about becoming a father if that’s your choice. By working through some of your personal issues, you can learn how to connect to your own children.

Remember: choosing not to parent is also an option. The key is making an informed choice instead of letting someone else make it for you. You deserve to feel excited about any decision you make, and that excitement is a wonderful feeling. Make it happen! Take the time to discover what’s true for you. 

Your true desire matters! It matters to me. I’ll help you discover what it is.

With deep respect,

Ann Davidman

The Fatherhood-Is it for me? Program ™ is modeled after the Motherhood-Is it for me? Program ™ which was created and developed by Denise Carlini and Ann Davidman in 1991.

© All Rights Reserved

Redefining Motherhood!

Motherhood is a role that is constantly being redefined: it just isn’t a fixed situation. As economies change, as sexism and classism get addressed, as women’s oppression is recognized and lifted, women become empowered and can decide what is best for them. Thus, motherhood changes.

What would have to change in your definition of motherhood in order for you to choose it? What would have to change in order for you to choose a child-free life? If you could step outside your comfort zone and redefine motherhood, how would you want motherhood defined today? Take some time to answer this question for yourself. You may want to begin a personal journal of self-discovery and write about this question. Or you may just prefer to notice the feelings that surface with the question itself.

Your new definition of motherhood may be very different from what you witnessed growing up. Or it may vary from the parenting you see today. How do you think your mother would have defined motherhood? Just thinking about your definition of motherhood will help you touch what’s true for you and definitely contribute to knowing yourself that much better.

Is Motherhood For Me? Desire vs. Decision

If you were asked, “Do you want to be a parent,” what would you answer? Yes? No? What if you didn’t know the answer? You’re not alone in this dilemma. Often women can’t answer this question because they’re trying to figure out their desire and their decision simultaneously. This can’t possibly be done.

“What is your desire?” differs from “What is your decision?” and sometimes the answers to each question are completely opposite.To try to figure out the answers at the same time creates an indecision loop in your mind. First you must examine your personal inclinations. You know yourself better than anyone else; therefore, only you can dig deep enough to grab hold of your true desire. You own it—no one can take it away from you.

Once you acknowledge your honest desire, you can then make a conscious decision about that desire. This process can’t be rushed. You need to take the time to tap into your awareness: you need to experience owning your desire. For example, a woman may realize that her true inkling is to be a mom, but she doesn’t think it’s the best decision for her at this moment.  It’s not what she wants to do right now, but it was what she wanted years ago.

Admitting this truth can be staggering. When you step out of your comfort zone into self exploration, you may discover you wanted to be a mom years ago but didn’t act on that desire then. Now parenting may not be what you want to do with your life. What’s necessary at this point is to reconcile your desire with your decision. The desire to be a mom is still there, but it’s become part of your history. The decision that is in the present is no, thus, two different answers to desire and decision.

What about a woman who recognizes she doesn’t want to be a mother. It’s not her calling. However, she becomes a mom through pregnancy, partnership or one of the various ways children may enter our lives. So she makes the decision to be the best mom she can be. Again, desire differs from decision.

This all sounds logical and easy to follow, but in our culture, women who desire not to be a parent may find themselves incapable of making a negative decision. We’re taught early on never to say no. When a woman fails to make a decision and lets time decide for her, she settles for anxiety because emotional and mental energy are required to sustain a state of uncertainty. Indecision blocks a thriving life.

It’s also possible for a woman to know she doesn’t want to be a mother but is afraid to act on her desire; so, she becomes a mom. Even if she’s an adequate mother, she suffers in silence because parenting was not her true preference. Of course there are women who don’t want to be moms but end up loving the experience. It’s wonderful when that happens, but chance is not the path to a fulfilled life. Women need to give themselves permission to appreciate their desires and to make decisions according to those desires. This is what real freedom is all about.

2013 - The Year of the Snake and let it be the Year of the Answer

“Do I want to be a mom?” 

Can you truthfully answer this question and feel satisfied with your answer? If you said yes, read no further.

However, if you’re still struggling to find out if you want children, it’s time to stop waiting for the answer to come to you. It probably won’t. But you can actively participate in a program that provides a step-by-step process that will help you gain the clarity to make a decision that feels right for you.

There are times in life where some guidance can help us decide what we want. If you’ve been asking the same question for months or even years, then this is the moment to take action. If your pro and con list worked, I doubt you’d be reading this blog. I’m not discrediting a pro and con list: it’s a very effective tool—when it works! But if you’re no closer to your truth after several attempts, you have to try another strategy. Performing an exercise that continues to end in futility is like repeatedly opening a refrigerator door wanting some invisible food to be inside. It will not magically appear. You have to go to the store and purchase your desired food. If you want the answer to your motherhood query, you have to try another plan.

It’s possible that there are underlying issues blocking you from making a decision. After my twenty years of experience working with women who felt choked by their indecisiveness, I can safely say it’s not your fault that you don’t know. And I can also assume there’s a good reason why you don’t know. Stop the self-blame and treat yourself with compassion. It’s painful not to know the answers you seek, but it can be rewarding to accept the help offered from the Motherhood—Is it for me? Program ™.

Make 2013 be the year you learn what you really want.

The next group program begins in September 2013.

Private sessions can begin any time in person or via phone.

Dahlias & Dogwoods

What do Dahlias and Dogwoods have to do with deciding whether or not to be a mom?

 When you’re locked in the middle of an indecision loop trying to decide if you want to be a mom or live a childfree life, my guess is you experience frustration. You’re stuck! Something just doesn’t feel right.  Imagine how your brain must feel. Terrible! And it stands to reason that a hurting brain doesn’t function as well as a happy brain. If you are experiencing any negative feelings because you can’t decide what to do, the first step is to change your focus of attention to a subject that’s pleasurable. For me, I can always count on Dahlias, especially the red ones, and Dogwood trees in full bloom. When these images cross my mind, inevitably I smile.

If you center on self-blame, uncertainty, fear, you descend into a state of anguish; however, when your mind operates from an agreeable state, you have more internal resources. Negative feelings interfere with our ability to use creative strategies when facing perplexing issues: our mind concentrates on the pain rather than the confidence that allows us to solve problems. But a comfortable mind promotes clear thinking, therefore stimulating a freer flow of ideas — and ideas get us closer to resolution. It may not be Dahlias or Dogwoods for you, but I know there are some sunny images that will help you move from anxiety to relief.

Say to yourself: “I don’t know what I want to do. But it’s okay that I don’t know, and it’s not my fault that I don’t know.” Continually repeat that thought until you experience the truth about it and begin to feel some easing from the despair.

Now you’re ready to remember a time in your life when you knew what you wanted. It could be something as trivial as ordering your favorite dish in a restaurant or choosing the color of your shoes for the day. It could be something significant like choosing a career, a car or a home. What’s important here is for you to remember what it felt like to know what you wanted. How did that feel? Continue to remember that feeling of confirmation, that moment when you found your own truth, when you knew exactly what you wanted.

This exercise may seem like it has nothing to do with making a decision about choosing motherhood or not; however, it helps ground you back to a time of knowing and feeling positive. You are more likely to have clarity when it originates from a sense of well-being.  

Dahlias and Dogwoods are so much more inviting than the mire of frustration.

Try it...