If you were asked, “Do you want
to be a parent,” what would you answer? Yes? No? What if you didn’t know the
answer? You’re not alone in this dilemma. Often women can’t answer this
question because they’re trying to figure out their desire and their decision
simultaneously. This can’t possibly be done.
“What is your desire?”
differs from “What is your decision?” and
sometimes the answers to each question are completely opposite.To try to figure
out the answers at the same time creates an indecision loop in your mind. First
you must examine your personal inclinations. You know yourself better than
anyone else; therefore, only you can
dig deep enough to grab hold of your true desire. You own it—no one can take it
away from you.
Once you acknowledge your honest
desire, you can then make a conscious decision about that desire. This process
can’t be rushed. You need to take the time to tap into your awareness: you need
to experience owning your desire. For example, a woman may realize that her
true inkling is to be a mom, but she doesn’t think it’s the best decision for
her at this moment. It’s not what
she wants to do right now, but it was what she wanted years ago.
Admitting this truth can be
staggering. When you step out of your comfort zone into self exploration, you
may discover you wanted to be a mom years ago but didn’t act on that desire
then. Now parenting may not be what you want to do with your life. What’s
necessary at this point is to reconcile your desire with your decision. The
desire to be a mom is still there, but it’s become part of your history. The
decision that is in the present is no, thus,
two different answers to desire and decision.
What about a woman who recognizes
she doesn’t want to be a mother. It’s not her calling. However, she becomes a
mom through pregnancy, partnership or one of the various ways children may
enter our lives. So she makes the decision to be the best mom she can be.
Again, desire differs from decision.
This all sounds logical and easy
to follow, but in our culture, women who desire not to be a parent may find
themselves incapable of making a negative decision. We’re taught early on never
to say no. When a woman fails to
make a decision and lets time decide for her, she settles for anxiety because
emotional and mental energy are required to sustain a state of uncertainty.
Indecision blocks a thriving life.
It’s also possible for a woman to
know she doesn’t want to be a mother but is afraid to act on her desire; so,
she becomes a mom. Even if she’s an adequate mother, she suffers in silence
because parenting was not her true preference. Of course there are women who
don’t want to be moms but end up loving the experience. It’s wonderful when
that happens, but chance is not the path to a fulfilled life. Women need to
give themselves permission to appreciate their desires and to make decisions
according to those desires. This is what real freedom is all about.
Hi! I really appreciate your thoughts on motherhood. I'm not a mom and I could not imagine myself being one. It is, in actuality, a huge responsibility. Moms from my neighborhood always explains that when you've become a Mom, it is like, cancelling "you" and becoming "your kid's" and "your husbands". It's like, you are not your own property anymore, but you are the property of your husband and your children. Moms around me keep saying that, as a Mom, you have to tolerate your husband, the relationship, the children. They say, husband's sole responsibility in the relationship is to be the provider of the family, and everything else is shouldered by the wife. She has to take care of her husband, her kids, become "pleasure-bunny" in the bedroom, become supermom inside the house, become a massage expert, a cook, and everything else in between. I'm sorry if I sound odd. And I'm sorry if I'm antagonizing some concepts about motherhood, but I'd like to ask: is this true? To me, it sounds like motherhood is cancelling out your right to be a human being.
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